Avoidant Attachment and Trauma: Decoding the Emotional Distance
Attachment styles are the invisible blueprints that shape the way you connect with others. They are the foundation for our relationships. These styles are rooted in early childhood experiences. They influence emotional connections, communication patterns, and coping mechanisms in relationships. There are four primary attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized. There is not a "good" or "bad" attachment style. Instead, they serve as templates for understanding how you approach relationships. This includes intimacy, expressing vulnerability, and navigating interpersonal dynamics. Our attachment style can impact the quality and health of relationships. These styles can provide insight into why you might react certain ways. It can also help you understand why other people react the way they do. Attachment styles develop during childhood. They develop in response to the consistency and emotional support from primary caregivers. This influences your expectations, beliefs, and behaviors in future relationships. In this third blog post in the series, we will explore avoidant attachment style, it’s connections to early trauma and the anxious-avoidant trap.
What is an Avoidant Attached Person Like?
People with avoidant attachment want connection and intimacy just like everyone else! When you have this attachment style, the fear of losing your independence gets in the way of this desire. You worry that if you connect with others, you'll be less self-sufficient. You have learned in the past you can't trust others. Despite the desire for a relationship, you fear being dependent upon someone else. You struggle to be vulnerable in relationships. People call you "distant.”
Signs in Relationships
There are distinct ways that individuals with an avoidant attachment style navigate relationships. Typically, there is a strong desire for independence and emotional distancing. Below are common signs of avoidant attachment in relationships.
Emotional Distance:
You create emotional distance to protect yourself from feeling hurt or vulnerable. You find it hard to express your feelings. This can lead to a sense of detachment. Emotional distance can vary from person to person. You might not share personal experiences, avoid deep conversations, or avoid displays of affection.
Fear of Vulnerability:
One of your biggest fears is being vulnerable and emotional dependent. This fear prevents you from relying on others from support, even if you need it. You try to maintain as much self-sufficiency as you can. It's hard for you to share what you feel because you worry being open will get in the way of your independence.
Difficulty with Intimacy:
Forming and maintaining intimate connections can be hard. Despite a desire for connection, deep emotional intimacy makes you anxious. You instinctively pull away from moments of closeness. Partners can get frustrated by this which only makes you close off more.
Ambivalence:
You experience ambivalence in your approach to relationships. You feel like your stuck between a rock and a hard place. You want connection but your fear of vulnerability can lead you to send mixed signals. Sometimes you are able to be close with your partner. Other times, you can't help but withdraw.
Difficulty Committing:
You are scared of commitment or don't want it at all. You fear being invested and losing autonomy if you make a long term commitment.
Why Do They Push Away People They Love?
The paradox of pushing away people you care about is a hallmark of the avoidant attachment style. It originates from your deep-seated fear of intimacy. Connection to others creates vulnerability. To prevent yourself from feeling this perceived threat, you distance yourself. You can't tolerate how uncomfortable it feels to be close to someone. This creates a cycle of emotional push and pull.
Understanding this cycle is pivotal for both partners. It's important to acknowledge the avoidant individual's internal struggle with vulnerability. They need a safe space for emotional expression.
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap
It's common for anxiously attached people to find themselves in relationships with avoidant individuals. In this dynamic, the anxious partner will seek reassurance and closeness. This unintentionally triggers the avoidant partner's fears of intimacy. As a result, an ongoing cycle of pursuit and withdrawal develops.
The "anxious-avoidant trap" can be exhausting for both parties involved. The anxious partner is driven by a need for closeness and may increase their pursuit of connection when their partner backs away. This makes the avoidant partner want withdraw more.
It's a manifestation of the conflicting needs and fears of both people involved. The anxious partner's desire for closeness clashes with the avoidant partner's fear of vulnerability. This creates a cycle that can feel impossible to escape. Stopping the cycle involves a commitment from both partners. You need to understand each other attachment styles and increase effective communication.
What Kind of Trauma Causes Avoidant Attachment?
Avoidant attachment doesn't emerge in a vacuum. It often connects to experiences in childhood related to forming secure emotional bonds. Trauma plays a pivotal role in shaping your attachment style. It doesn’t matter if it’s a big T or small t trauma. If you have avoidant attachment, your primary caregivers were likely neglectful or inconsistent in how they cared for you. They might have also been emotionally unavailable. You may have experienced emotional or physical neglect.
As a child, the lack of reliable emotional support can lead you to focus on self-reliance over connection. Neglect can create a sense of insecurity and a fear or dislike to relying on others for support. Inconsistent caregiving can lead you to believe that you can't depend on others or it's harmful to do so. You learned to suppress your needs if you tried to seek comfort but were met with indifference or disconnection. You learned to rely on yourself because was unsafe to lean on anyone else. These are all common trauma symptoms that can influence our attachment.
Therapy for Avoidant Attachment
If you have an avoidant attachment style, it might feel scary to go to therapy. The fear of vulnerability and opening up in relationships extends to therapy too. You might avoid taking this step even though you don’t like some of the patterns you see in your life. It’s okay to feel scared. In therapy, you can open up at the pace that feels right to you. The benefits of therapy are you can open when it feels right for you
It is most effective to seeking guidance from a therapist specializing in attachment theory or trauma. Somatic Experiencing, somatic therapy, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) are among the treatments designed to address underlying traumas that might contribute to your avoidant attachment style. Working with a therapist can provide valuable insights and support as you navigate the path towards a more secure attachment framework.
Start Trauma Therapy in Ann Arbor, Detroit, and throughout Michigan
You don’t have to go through the process of healing your attachment style and recovering from trauma alone. At Embodied Wellness, PLLC our therapists specialize in attachment and various trauma treatments. To begin trauma treatment at our practice follow the steps below:
Connect today for a free 15-minute consultation.
Speak with a trauma therapist.
Increase your ability for connection without feeling fear.
Others Services Offered at Embodied Wellness in Ann Arbor, Detroit & in Michigan
We offer a variety of services and specialties besides trauma and PTSD treatment. We serve teenagers and adolescents and adults via online therapy in Michigan. We have therapists who specialize in depression therapy, OCD treatment and ERP therapy, empath therapy, Somatic therapy, IFS, and EMDR. Incluso ofrecemos terapia en español en Detroit y en todo Michigan.
About the Author:
Sarah Rollins, LMSW, SEP is the founder of Embodied Wellness, PLLC, a group therapy practice providing online therapy in Michigan. She is passionate about expanding awareness of somatic therapy as way to treat and heal trauma. She incorporates other holistic treatments into her practice including EMDR and IFS.