As you walk through the door after a long day of work, there is an indescribable feeling of joy that fills your bodies when you see your fur baby waiting for you. They are always excited to see you; no matter what you said or did, no matter how much money you make; no matter how successful you are. They love you, even when you do not love yourself.  

Losing a pet, whether they have been with you for weeks, months, or years, is a loss of family. A loss of community.

Unfortunately, many people discount or minimize the experience of losing a fur baby because they are not human or biological children. Love, and therefore grief, is not conditional upon having human DNA. Family does not have to be biological or stand on two legs. The time you share with your pets can be equally as precious, important, and healing as with other humans.

We grieve because we love.

It seems paradoxical that love, a feeling so beautiful and filling can result in grief, an experience so raw and gut wrenching. It doesn’t seem fair that one cannot exist without the other. Grief tears a hole in your heart that once felt so full.

5 Stages of Grief

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, there are 5 stages of grief that people go through when losing a loved one, fur babies included. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The word stages may lead you to believe that grief is a linear process, and you start with denial and end with acceptance. As nice as this might be, grief is messier than that. Grief is a cluster f*ck (pardon my French) of all these stages combined. One minute you may be crying, the next laughing, the next yelling and the next numb. There is no wrong way to grieve, despite what anyone may say.

Did I say there were 5 Stages of Grief? Oops….I meant to say there were 6 Stages of Grief!  

After the death of his youngest son, David Kessler (who worked closely with Kubler Ross) added a 6th stage of grief: meaning making. For some, the grief process does not feel complete at acceptance. There has to be more. There has to be meaning in the life of your pet and the experiences you had together. The meaning could be your fur baby taught you what love was or showed you how selfless you could be.

Post Traumatic Growth

Where there is trauma, there is grief. There is not one universal definition of trauma, but one that resonates with me is “trauma is the loss of relationship.” When you lose a fur baby and best friend, you have lost an essential family member and relationship. For some, the loss of a fur baby happened in a traumatic way and for others, the decision to put them to rest caused agony and heart break. Regardless of how your pets passed, the hole in your heart is the same.

Post Traumatic Growth is a transformation that can occur after a challenging life event. There is a strong correlation between experiencing Post Traumatic Growth and finding meaning. Emily Esfahani Smith, author of The Power of Meaning: Finding Fulfillment in a World Obsessed With Happiness identifies four crucial elements for the way humans ­create meaning in their lives: belonging, ­purpose, storytelling, and transcendence. This does not happen overnight. It can take weeks, months, or years to make meaning and experience Post Traumatic Growth. Healing and growth are possible, despite how raw and consuming grief may feel.

We never move on, we only move forward

Some people experience guilt when they start to feel better and do not think about their fur babies all the time. Growing from the loss can trigger shame or the belief that they are grateful the loss happened. This is not true. You will never forget your pets, even if they are not always at the forefront of your mind. By making meaning out of their lives and your time together, you are honoring them, every single day.

How to cope with losing a pet

Imagine shaking up a pop bottle. Inside, you can see it fizzing up. You have so much on your plate- work, school, children, finances, housework, physical health- that you decide to just “get your grief over with” and you open the lid all at once. The pop sprays all over you and now you wet, sticky and feel even worse. Next thing you know, your tears are uncontrollable, and you haven’t gotten out of bed at day. You say to yourself, “next time I have to shove all my feelings down because I cannot cope.”

When your pet crosses the rainbow bridge, your life is shaken up. Things are turned upside down. Your routines, how you spend your time, what we do with your day and how we feel are all different. We are that pop bottle. Your responsibilities do not stop when you are grieving so it’s common to want to feel better as soon as possible. The healing process needs to be titrated. We must first let the pop bottle sit and then open the lid very slowly and wait for the fizz to settle.

Below are ways and idea that you can help you cope with losing your pet:

1.     Create a memorial: It is common that people do not want to throw away items from their pets including collars, blankets, or pillows. Some fur parents will keep an urn or a paw print. Designating a specific area in your home where you can place these precious keepsakes to remember and honor your pet can create a sense of healing. You can also go to this place when you are feeling alone or sad.

2.     Write a letter to your pet: In this letter, you can write anything you want to share with your pet that you have or have not said in the past. You can write how much you miss them or express your gratitude for them.

3.     Write a letter from your pet to you: In this letter, you can write a letter as through you were speaking from the voice of your pet.

4.     Create a list of memories with you and your pet.

5.     Create a collage of photos.

6.     Talk to your pet: It is okay to talk to your pet (in your head or even out loud)! You might say good night or good morning to them or say goodbye as you are leaving the house.

7.     Adapt your rituals: One of the hardest parts about losing your pet is the change of rituals. This may be taking walks every day or feeding them in the morning. Depending on the ritual, you may be able to adapt your old ritual in honor of your pet. For example, instead of going on two walks a day, you may go on one walk a day and bring your pet’s collar or dedicate the walk to them.

8.     Be kind to yourself: No one gets better hating themselves. The healing process cannot occur when you put yourself down. Missing your fur babies is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of love. Some people show grief and sadness through tears while others express it through burying themselves in work. Your grief process is not on trial or being judged. The best thing you can do yourself and your pet is to take care of yourself the way you took care of them.

9.     Join a support group: There are many free in person and virtual support groups where you can connect with other people who have lost their pets. Losing your pet can feel isolating and people may not understand what you are going through. In these groups, you will meet people who have similar experiences, and you can support one another in your healing journeys. Click here for a list of support groups.

10.  Call a pet grief support hotline: If you need individualized support, you can call the national or state pet grief hotline free of charge. Click here for a list of hotlines.

11.  Seek therapeutic support: The loss of a loved one is a common reason to seek therapy or counseling. At Embodied Wellness, PLLC we specialize in trauma, loss and anxiety. We have trained therapists who can guide you through the pet grief process, so you feel less alone.

Above are just some of many suggestions for ways to cope with the loss of your pet. There is no right or wrong way to heal. The grief process can be sticky, overwhelming, and come in big waves. You have the right to experience grief, sadness and despair in whatever way is right for you.

You were my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye.

To schedule a free 15-minute consultation to learn more about pet grief or to support you or a family member in the stages of grief visit www.embodiedwellnesstherapy.com for online therapy Michigan.