Navigating Trauma and Sexual Guilt from a Trauma Therapist
Being shamed, for any reason but especially for your sexuality or aspects around your sexuality is no laughing matter. It can have profound impacts on every aspect of your life. Experiencing sexual guilt or shame can lead to trauma or PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). This blog will outline what sexual guilt and shame is, ways to identify it, and how to respond to it.
What is Sex Guilt? What is Sex Shame?
Sexual guilt or sexual shame is the belief that there is something wrong with you because of your feelings, desires, and beliefs around your sexuality including but not limited to how you perform sexual acts, the use of sex toys, your relationship with masturbation, and how you think about sex. Common ways people shame themselves internally are: “There is something wrong with me,” “I am bad,” and/or “I am gross.” People can be externally shamed by others with common expressions such as, “You are disgusting,” “Why are you so gross?” “what is wrong with you?” and being called names such as “slut” or “whore.”
Vanilla Shaming and Kink Shaming
Vanilla shaming is shaming someone for having more “conventional” views around sex or how they engage in sexual activity. This implies the person is “boring,” “average,” “uninteresting” and “ordinary.” Kink shaming is shaming someone for having “less conventional” views around sex or how they engage in sexual activity. This involves mocking, criticizing, and implying the person is “bad” because of their sexual preferences.
How To Identify If You Are Being Sex Guilted/Sex Shamed?
Trust your gut here. If you feel like someone is being condescending, snarky, rude, or stigmatizing towards you.… they are. If you are questioning if someone is… they are.
Shame makes us second guess ourselves, especially when it is in the form of gaslighting and can negatively affect our self-esteem.
When experiencing sexual guilt or shame, you might feel like you aren’t good enough or you are unworthy or not deserving of pleasure. You might want to hide or shut down because you feel like no one can understand you or you are “weird.” You feel the need to keep your experiences a secret because you don’t want anyone else to judge you more than you already have been. You might experience panic attacks, self-harming behaviors, and even suicidal or homicidal thoughts. If you experience thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else or engage in self-harming behavior, seeing a mental health professional can be helpful. You do not have to recover alone. You can also call your local emergency room or dial 911 for immediate support.
Healing From Shame
The first step in healing from shame is acknowledging that shame is not an inherent part of you. You were not born with it. By understanding that society and other people have put this shame on you, you can begin to realize that it is learned and therefore we can unlearn it.
The next step is to start developing compassion towards yourself. When you have been shamed by others, it is very easy to shame yourself even when those people are not around. By ending some compassion towards yourself (even a little bit!) you can start to heal your sexual guilt/shame.
Setting Boundaries
There are two steps to setting boundaries: the first is to name the boundary and the second is to uphold the boundary.
Step one is to name your boundary. It can be helpful to tell someone exactly what you do not like about what they are saying, tell them how you feel, ask them to stop, and provide them with the consequences if they don't. Using the formula, “When you…, I feel…., I need…” has been shown to be an effective communication strategy to set boundaries. For example, “When you call me a whore because of my sexual preferences, I feel upset. I need you to stop doing this or else I will no longer spend time with you.
Step two is upholding your boundary if the other person does not listen. This can be very hard! Unfortunately, we don’t have control over if other people listen to our boundaries, but we do have control over how we respond to them.
What To Do If You Are Being Sex Guilted/ Sex Shamed?
In these situations, I want to acknowledge that what I am saying is easier said than done. Shame can lower our self-esteem, ability to make choices, and feel confident to stand up for ourselves.
First and foremost, please do your best to not shame or judge yourself if you have felt pressured or shamed into doing something that you didn’t feel comfortable with and you were not able to say no. This is a far too common experience and it is not your fault.
Sometimes it is most important to stay safe rather than fight in the moment.
If you feel comfortable and it is possible to confront your partner in a safe way, it can be helpful to talk to your partner when you are in a neutral environment such as a coffee shop or walking outside. You can tell your partner the negative impacts (emotionally, physically, etc) of being shamed or pressured and that you would like them to stop.
Keep an eye out for their response. If they become defensive, it might be a sign that they are continuing to shame and gaslight you.
Do I Have Trauma or PTSD?
Just because you have experienced sexual guilt or shame does not mean you have trauma or PTSD. Sexual guilt and shame can trigger PTSD, though.
Common symptoms of trauma/PTSD include:
Reliving aspects of the traumatic event (flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive thoughts or images)
Avoiding feelings or memories related to the traumatic event
Alertness or feeling on edge (hypervigilance, disturbed sleep, easily startled)
Negative beliefs or feelings (intense blame, overwhelming feelings of anger, guilt, or shame)
Developing A Healthy Relationship With Your Sexuality
Developing a healthy relationship with your sexuality and desires takes time and effort just like any other relationship. If you think about the aspects of a friendship or romantic relationship, you would adopt the same principles: spending quality time together, curiosity about one another, exploration, kindness, and patience.
A great resource is to read, “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski Ph.D.
Start Trauma Treatment and PTSD Therapy in Detroit, Ann Arbor or anywhere in Michigan.
If you are interested in exploring symptoms of trauma or PTSD related to sexual guilt or shame, Embodied Wellness, PLLC has certified trauma therapists with immediate availability.
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About the Author:
Sarah Rollins, LMSW, SEP is the founder of Embodied Wellness, PLLC, a group therapy practice providing online therapy in Michigan. She is passionate about expanding awareness of somatic therapy as way to treat and heal trauma. She incorporates other holistic treatments into her practice including EMDR and IFS.