Adulting: Why it’s so hard to make friends as an adult

What happened to the days of making your new best friend by sharing pokemon cards? It feels like forever ago when friendships would form by having the same shoes or favorite color.  Looking back, friendships seemed so much simpler as a kid. Life (and friendships) are so complicated now- you don’t know where to make new friends, you don’t know who to trust and you there’s barely enough time to sleep, let alone form a new relationship. Keep reading to take the mystery out of how to make friends as an adult! 

Why is it so hard to make friends? 

If you find it hard to make friends as an adult, you are not alone! One reason it is difficult to make friends as an adult is time. Between carpools, soccer practices, work meetings and making dinner, you barely have time to shower at night. Adulting is hard; if only we had the free time we had when we were kids! Friendships take time to build and with more day to day responsibilities, it’s difficult to juggle it all. 

It can be challenging to put ourselves out there. We can feel untrusting of new people, especially if we’ve been burned by friends in the past. There can be something comfortable about friends you’ve known for years compared to people brand new in your life. 

One sided friendships

Have you been in friendships where you felt like you were doing all the work? You were always the one to contact them or make plans. When you talked on the phone, it was always about the other person. One-sided friendships can be incredibly draining and take a toll on our mental health. It’s important to take the steps towards healing, by identifying your emotions and allowing yourself to feel them. If you feel like crying, give yourself the space and permission to cry. Another thing you can do is not blame yourself for what happened. Sometimes friendships don’t last but that does not mean you are a bad friend. Finally, you can lean into other friendships that are not one sided to support you.

Types of friends (friendship styles)

Did you know we each have a friendship style! Our friendship style can influence how we make friends, what type of friend we are and what type of people we attract. 

Which one do you identify with? 

1. Discerning: People with a discerning style of friendship have a couple of dear friends. They are incredibly close with their longtime friends. It is unlikely they will make new friends later in life. 

2. Independent: Someone with an independent style of friendship has a few friends they are not close with. Most of their friendships come from work or school. They will not keep these friendships if they are not involved in the setting in which they routinely talked with you. For example, this is the type of friend you are close with at work but after they quit, you never hear from them again!

3. Selectively Acquisitive: Folks with a selectively acquisitive style of friendship enjoy meeting new people wherever they can. As the name suggests, they are selective of what friendships last. Some friendships they have are close, whereas others are more so acquaintances. 

4. Unconditional Acquisitive:  People with an unconditional acquisitive style of friendship have many friends, but are not close with them. Some of their friendships last longer than others. 

Ways to make friends 

• Join a club or organization 

Do you love pickleball? Have you always wanted to learn how to paint? Are you interested in theater? Do you like reading?  Joining an organization that aligns with your interests or hobbies will introduce you to new people who you automatically have something in common with! Try googling what you love (ex. Pickleball league near me) to find a nearby club or organization to join! Your local or city recreation center or YMCA are also great places to start. 

• Sign up for friendship apps 

Apps aren’t just for dating anymore! Did you know there are free mobile apps that can connect you to other people who are looking for friends too? Check out Meetup, Bumble BFF, Yubo, Nextdoor, Untappd, and Peanut to meet like-minded people who live near you. If you are looking to connect to people all over the world try downloading Discord, Friended, or Slowly. 

• Volunteer 

Volunteering can be an amazing way to not only meet people, but give back to the community. The potential to create a difference and build friendships makes for a win-win situation. Find an opportunity today at volunteermatch.org.

How to cope with loneliness 

In the process of making new friends, it’s common to feel lonely. One study reports that 36% of Americans experience significant loneliness. To combat loneliness, try using social media to interact with others instead of scrolling or lurking on others’ pages. Another way to cope is to set realistic expectations. You will not become someone’s best friend the first time you meet them. Friendships don’t form as organically as they did when we were kids.  It can be helpful to meet up with the same group of people at least 2-3 times to cultivate friendships. 

Therapy can help

At Embodied Wellness, PLLC, we have therapists who are trained to support you in whatever phase you are in- from making new friends, to coping with losing friends, to navigating loneliness. We provide online therapy in Michigan to teens/adolescents and adults. Schedule your free consultation today!